What's Your Kyrptonite?

What's Your Kyrptonite? I remember Shawn Phillips asking that question. I have followed Shawn since he was featured in Success Magazine where he was working with Darren Hardy and his team at Success Magazine to host a 90-Day Fit for Success weight loss Challenge. I lost 30 pounds during that challenge! I was obsessed about being in Success Magazine because it is my all-time favorite magazine. I read Shawn's book, Strength for Life, and became meticulous with my food choices and daily exercise routine. But, I felt "deprived" the whole time, like I didn't want to die without ever again eating a Hershey Pie! I was glad when the contest was over so I could get a few "cheat meals" in. 

Someone from Success Magazine contacted me and said they wanted to run my story along with before & after pics that I submitted during the Challenge. I was so excited. My dream of being in the magazine was coming true. I remember when the magazine arrived in the mail. It had Joel Osteen and his wife on the cover. I'm a big fan of Joel and was elated to be mentioned in the same magazine as him. I was beaming as I flipped through the magazine to find my article, but my smile quickly turned to a frown when I saw someone else's picture by my name and story! Disappointment is an understatement of how I felt. I internalized it immediately. My self-confidence took a nose dive right then - maybe they didn't want to use my picture because my after picture didn't show that much of a change. When you weigh 300 lbs, losing 30 lbs doesn't look that dramatic, at least it didn't for me. 

The negative voice in my head was chattering away and I used that as an excuse to eat junk food. I went and bought a dozen rolls with cinnamon butter from Texas Roadhouse! I think I went through half of the rolls before I got the voice to calm down, mostly because my brain was starting to focus on my aching stomach. It didn't take long to gain the 30 lbs back plus a few more pounds on top of that. Every time I have ever went on a "diet" when I went back to my regular eating routine, I gained even more weight than I started with. 

This Great Weight Off Challenge has been having the same dejected effect on me lately. When I weighed in this week, I had gained back three of the four pounds I lost the week before. It hit me like a ton of bricks. That negative voice came creeping back, "What's the use, you're yoyoing all over the place, same as you've done for 50 years." I just wanted to drown out the pain of feeling like a failure at this "diet" thing, so I decided I would have sweet tea with my lunch. Sounds innocent enough, but it set off a three-day sugar binge like I haven't done in over a year. It left me feeling so exhausted, like a weight has been put on my shoulders. This totally exhausted feeling reminds me of kryptonite. Sugar is my kryptonite! 

Most people associate the word kryptonite with Superman. I associate it with Shawn Phillips because of his question, "What's Your Kryptonite?" and his podcast, The Kryptonite Report! I haven't listened to his podcast in a while, so I was curious to see what's new. I went to his website where I saw a blog post that I really needed to read, "When You Stop Chasing Fit, Fit Will Chase You," which is about accepting yourself unconditionally. Do you believe in divine intervention? I do. I believe when we set our intention the Universe conspires on our behalf and sends us the resources we need to succeed. It doesn't mean we won't have obstacles, but there is a path around, over, or through those obstacles and it often comes in the form of wisdom from someone who has blazed the trail before us. 

So many things Shawn wrote in his blog post resonated with me. My fitness journey has been such a struggle. I'm so tired of the fight. I just want to be. I don't want to associate eating sugar and junk food with "being bad" or "unacceptable" even though I certainly feel that way at times. My weight has affected my life in SO many ways that are very painful both literally and emotionally. I wish I could go into detail, maybe I'll do it in a book someday, but I'm not ready to talk about the pain and suffering, I really just want to let it go. I don't want it to define me or plague me, I just want to be free, to feel complete, and love myself unconditionally. 

I am grateful for people like Shawn Phillips who know how to get to the heart of the real issue behind obesity. Yes, it's about eating healthy food and consistent exercise, but I can tell you from personal experience it's about the soul and mind too!

So while my kryptonite appears to be sugar because it certainly makes me feel sick and weak, I believe my true kryptonite is self-acceptance, that's what brings me to my knees. I believe that once I love and accept myself unconditionally, my struggle will be over and the fitness I have been chasing for a lifetime will come to me because as Shawn said, "Fitness is actually the authentic, organic expression of who you are." 

I really needed to read what Shawn wrote to help me get past this self-defeating obstacle that I did not not understand on the level that he so eloquently expressed it. I am going to work on finding my center, self-acceptance, and just being. I hope one day my journey and words will help inspire someone like Shawn has inspired me. 

What's YOUR kryptonite? 

Kathy

"What if getting fitter is a choice made from a place of love and compassion? What if you get to stop the “running from” and “running to” and see what being is like. And from being, you freely choose a different level of being, physically. Imagine the energy that might come back to you. The fuel you will have access to when you no longer have to cycle the story of pain and suffering." ~ Shawn Phillips